To Fart Or Not To Fart

So being trapped in the car with my brother makes us think about the weirdest topics. We are easily bored, and its us, so strange thoughts are the norm. This time around, the topic was different types of farts. After much back and forth, debating and pondering each type of fart carefully, we compiled a list.
The subtle complexities of a fart could not be over looked. Granted there are tons of different factors that go into one’s fart, but the general idea is that they all need to be judged on a certain scale. Their sounds, their smells, what causes farts, and when they usually occur were all thought about while compiling this list. My brother even tested out a few, whether they were intentional or accidental is a whole-nother thought.
Once we were done compiling the list, we decided that this conversation was deemed necessary for the PIC readers to know about. These 10 farts are the most common, and easily recognizable to the untrained ear and nose.
THE CLASSIC FART
Its characteristics:
The classic fart usually has a slight odor. Its not room filling, but perfectly respectable. It is just audible for those near you to hear. There is a tiny build up internally, and you usually can sense its formation.
Where it occurs:
This fart is an anytime, anywhere type of fart. Its your basic fart, nothing fancy.
SILENT BUT DEADLY (SBD)
Its characteristics:
The Silent but Deadly fart is a nasty smelling. When executed properly, it has the ability to clear out a room. There is absolutely no sound, hence the name. It is usually preceded by a huge build up, but not big enough for one to think its going to be anything but regular fart.
Where it occurs:
ELEVATORS. The last place in the world you want it to happen, crowds, or when your next to someone attractive or your boss.
SHART
Its characteristics:
The Shart is similar to the SBD, but your undergarments become filled.
Where it occurs:
If your that guy from Along Came Polly, it occurs in an art gallery. If you’re the rest of the human population, it will happen while you are swimming at a friends house. A re-enactment that scene from Caddyshack will occur, and your friends will be grossed out for a while. If you’re a girl, or a guy who frequently wears light colored pants, it will happen then.
LOUD
With the Loud fart, there is barely any odor, but could possibly break the sound barrier. This is the complete opposite of the SBD and shart.
Where it occurs:
Basically when ever you need to impress someone: date or an interview, or in a quiet area: funerals, weddings, library.
DRUNK
The Drunk fart is identical to the shart, but done while drunk.
Where it occurs:
After drinking for a while, obviously. Generally these are the farts that pollute bars and parties, or alone in your apartment. Basically where ever there has been alcohol this fart will rear its stinky head.
SQUEEK
The Squeek fart is a loud, high pitched sound. Its almost like a whistle. The smells can vary from non-existent to room filling.
Where it occurs:
This type appears usually during a farting contest.
POWER
The sound is possibly loud, but the power part comes from the rate it is expelled from your sphincter (thank you Wanye’s World for teaching me that). It consists of strong hurricane-like winds that make your ass cheeks flap and bounce around. All of this violence occurs with no smell.
Where it occurs:
The Power fart usually occurs when you’re the most powerful, in the gym. During or after a hard workout, everything in your body is working at its peak, including your fart maker. The strong build up leaves you with this earthquake of a fart.
OH SHITTER
The Shitter is a series of short quick farts. This type smells horrible, because it usually leads to the need of the bathroom. If the bathroom is not reached in time, a shart can occur.
Where it occurs:
The Shitter happens usually in whatever greasy spoon your eating at. Heavy grease usually induces this type, or a bunch of Sliders from White Castle.
CARBONATED
The Carbonated is a painful, stomach cramping fart. Frequently it smells funny, and it usually occurs after drinking anything carbonated or after chugging liquids
Where it occurs:
Post-chugging a liquid.
THE FORCED FART
The Forced fart is a short fart. It has no smell, and is just audible for those near you to hear. This type of fart occasionally leads to a shart if the force behind it is too strong.
Where it occurs:
When your trying to impress someone with your farting abilities, like a farting contest or while on a date with a neanderthal.
Hopefully this guide will make you adventures in farting easier. Feel free to add more, and the master of farting, also known as my brother, will take these new ideas into consideration for future reference.